After my latest visit to my therapist a very interesting topic was brought up…

I aim to motherfucking please.

I knew that I always had issue with conflict and by issue I mean I would rather die that even have to witness conflict.

“Its okay walk all over me if you need to, no it doesn’t hurt! All good! As long as you’re happy!”

MY BRAIN.

Although I’m still in the early stages of understanding why I am so scared of making others uncomfortable I have started to put together a list of scenarios where I have put my own feeling/wishes/wants/needs/desires aside just to ensure someone else didn’t feel any discomfort whatsoever.

• Walking towards a crosswalk: I always slow down if I see a car coming, let the car go. God forbid it has to wait for me to cross. Or don’t cross the street at all, sometimes that is too stressful.
• Never order food at Starbucks if there is someone behind you in the line. No one should ever have to wait for you. Also, if the cashier at Starbucks is attractive no food for you because they will think you’re fat and that makes them uncomfortable.

• Always be early when meeting someone in a public place, ensure that you don’t have to be the one to look for them, they have to look for you. Also, getting their early is a higher chance of getting a good table, I cannot deal with the stress of the other person being unhappy with where we have to sit (even though I could care less)
• Leave a store if I see someone I know. This prevents from them having to decide whether or not they want to talk to me.
• I have cried behind sunglasses on a full bus. I felt as though my 143 pound body was taking up so much space that could be better used for people that were in a rush to work or for an emergency. I didn’t belong there I was a burden.
• Overhearing and/or being witness to arguments. I honestly feel the butterflies in my stomach throwing up while I type this.
• I started cutting my thighs (self-harming) at 20 to avoid having to disapoint men in bed. oh yeah…thats fucked, I know.

I have a complete phobia of having sex. People pleasing could be why.

But that for another session.

Hail My Sobriety,

A