I jumped on the AA train pretty fast after coming out of 90 day rehab. Honestly only because I felt like it would be a good way to meet sober people. A friend of fine from rehab was non stop on me about getting a sponsor. So I went to a beginners meeting and did just that. Nice girl, my age, kinda nerdy, 2 years sober.

A few coffee dates later I agree to do the steps because as I have heard a million times in AA meetings it is the only way to stay sober (at this point I’m not really buying it, but clearly my plan hasn’t been working.) Apparently now that we are doing the steps we have hit “real sponsor/sponsee status” which means I need to call her every day.

No problem I am an open book and have nothing to hid, be prepared for long phone calls and cat memes, we are officially bffs.

I absolutely dread calling her, I put it off I text her and say I’m busy and I will later (I don’t), I ignore her calls. Its like calling her is the equivalent of doing high school math homework (which I procrastinated right into an F.)

Why do I hate it so much? I think because it feels so unnatural (not that I have ever cared about natural relationships before – see previous post) I don’t like how we can’t really talk about her day and I can’t help her, it’s all about me. Its all about drinking, and there is always an AA quote that get snuck in there. Its a weird in-between of friend and therapist but there is no guideline for what is appropriate, what is expected and what is not. I get the “call if craving” but what if not craving, what are we chatting about?

As fucked as it sounds I want to get drunk with her so we can get the awkward part out of the way.

After four relapses since coming out of rehab I have freed her from her duties of trying to get me on the phone and track me down for a conversation. I don’t know if it was that we just didn’t click or that I just don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

Drunk texting her “I LOVERRR YOUUUU <3333” probably wasn’t a great idea either.

All I know is I already feel guilty enough for what I’m putting my friends through in my relapses I don’t want to feel guilty in recovery as well.

Hail My Sobriety,

A